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something, or give a little, it makes a tiny bit of difference. Maybe you just have to stay
open. Keep trying. These things build up.”
"You don't understand,” I snapped. "You don't know him! Maybe he really cares, but
even if he does, it doesn't matter! Things always end up the same. If I mention emotions,
or if I act warm to him, he'll ignore me for a while... and then he'll be cold to me again.
I'm telling you, I've been here before, with Richard. It's a trap.”
Mr. Ambition didn't waver. "If you're strong enough," he said simply, "then you can walk
into a trap.”
His words made my heart crack, my breath catch. Made me feel like I've forgotten
everything I knew about love.
When I was younger, I thought of my emotional strength like water: an embrace that
could make someone I loved feel lighter. Water is a slow, eroding force that pulls beauty
from the unexpected. Water makes wood into twisted driftwood sculptures; sharp glass
into opaque dim jewels; rocks into soft sand. Water will eventually reveal the heart of
everything it touches. If you let it.
I hadn't thought of myself that way in a long time. I felt like Mr. Ambition was calling
me out, reminding me of who I wanted to be. Maybe I protect myself better, these days.
But vulnerability is not always a bad thing.
I definitely could fall in love with this man, I realized.
"You're really amazing," I said, and threw myself on his chest.
He put his arms around me. "So are you," he said.
TK OK ok
As a storyteller, I often look back on my relationships and pick out foreshadowing: the
omens. And by now, I recognize the omens even as they're happening... and sometimes I
change my behavior, but usually I don't. Perhaps this state is what they call maturity.
One night while we were out, Mr. Ambition sighed in an offhand way. He seemed tired,
out of sorts. "I just want someone to take me on an emotional journey,” he remarked to
me. Then he added, "... No offense.”
I mentioned this to a friend, later: "Mr. Ambition says he wants me to take him on an
emotional journey,” I said.
"An 'emotional journey’? That shit gets old, though," said my friend. I laughed, and
agreed with him.
Another night, Mr. Ambition mentioned something about enjoying drama. I was with my
best girlfriend at the time; she and I looked at each other. "Careful what you wish for," I
said.
My friend said, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure Clarisse knows how to create arbitrary amounts of
drama at any time.”
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