Personal S&M relationship narrative with no identifiable high‑profile actors

We got along excellently, had a lot in common, etc. Typical this-relationship-starts-well stuff. One evening, after we'd been out to eat in a big philosophical group, Mr. Ambition noted the hotness of my intense theoretical bent. "When you were discussing social Justice and ethics tonight,” he said, "I wanted to reach across the table and grab you.” He mentioned marriage within weeks. "This has never happened before," he told me. "I've never dated someone I thought I could actually marry." Whoa, tiger, I thought, but I had to admit that he hit a lot of my Ideal Characteristics as well. Intelligence, drive, charisma, and morality: it's hard to argue with that. Our sexual chemistry was okay, but not climb-the-walls stellar. We'll develop that, I told myself. He's less sexually experienced than I am, and we'll learn each other just fine. Fortunately he's got some experience with polyamory, but in terms of S&M, he's another of those vanilla-but-questioning guys (I never learn). When we did S&M, I had to monitor the situation extra carefully because it was so new to him. And for all his intelligence, it was really hard to talk to him about emotions. It wasn't that he was cold or distant; on the contrary, he's one of the most fiery people I've ever met. But he had a lot of difficulty explaining what was going on in his head. Indeed, he told me that he had a lot of difficulty knowing what was going on in his head. He did things like laugh when a friend hurt his feelings, then deny that he was hurt, even though I could plainly see the stricken look behind his eyes. I wasn't surprised that he was more physical than verbal about S&M. Very straightforward: throwing me around, pulling my head back, digging his hands into my skin. He's incredibly strong, and sometimes I called my safeword simply because his strength scared me. There was one particular S&M encounter... early in the evening, I called my safeword because I wasn't sure he was into it. "Red," I said, and he stopped. "Is this okay with you?" I asked, and he nodded. "Yes," he said. "This is good. Let's keep going." His voice was low and slightly rough; a marvel of certainty. He put his hands back on me instantly. My doubts disappeared. We kept going. I watched my body, felt the lump building in my throat, monitored my breath as it became harsh and fast. "Red,” I said, and he stopped. "You're going to break me," I said, "I'm going to cry. If you don't want to deal with that, then stop.” This, by the way, is a difficult skill that I have learned: this ability to track my S&M reactions so clearly. I would never have been able to do it seven years ago, and I still can't do it during complicated S&M encounters. But now I can do it during simple ones. (Yes, "simple" and "complicated" are in the eye of the beholder.) I really hate stopping an S&M encounter right when I'm on the verge of tears. It's worse than an interrupted orgasm. But I'd rather do that than break down crying and then deal with a horrified partner. "That's fine," said Mr. Ambition. So we kept going. I cried. He started talking, and I was HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018620