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than one partner. (I've been researching polyamory since my teens, but only in recent
years did I decide to actively pursue it.)
+ Swinging: Usually emphasizes couples with their own close bond, who have relatively
casual sex with other partners. (Another difference between swinging and polyamory is
that swingers tend to be more at home in mainstream culture, whereas polyamorists tend
to be geeky or otherwise "alternative." The blog Polyamory In The News has a great, long
piece on poly culture vs. swing culture.)
+ Cheating: One partner does something with an outside partner that wasn't accepted or
understood in advance. In monogamous relationships, cheating usually involves having
sex with an outside partner. Cheating exists in polyamorous or swing relationships as
well: for example, a person might cheat on a non-monogamous partner by breaking an
agreement -- an agreement such as "we don't have unprotected sex with other partners.”
Just in case it needs to be said: I never advocate cheating, ever. As for the first two, I
know both poly people and swingers that I consider totally decent and wonderful folks! I
have more personal experience with and interest in polyamory, though.
Yet one thing that often gets lost in conversations about all these options is the
advantages of monogamy. Of which there are many. Although I don't currently identify
as monogamous, I had a very strong monogamous preference for years. I knew that
polyamory existed, and I thought about it a lot, because it's interesting -- but I just didn't
feel like it was for me. (In fact, my most adamantly polyamorous friend used to call me
his "reasonable monogamous friend." He said I had examined polyamory enough to
reasonably reject it, whereas he felt most people never consider polyamory deeply
enough to have a thoughtful opinion.)
And lately lots of my monogamous friends have been getting married. So I've been
thinking about the positive aspects of their relationship choices as I dance at their
weddings, devour mini-quiches, flirt with their brothers and try to avoid offending their
parents. (Okay, I've actually only flirted with one brother. So far.)
A Few Advantages of Monogamy (this is not a complete list)
+ Jealousy management. Some people experience jealousy more than, or less than, or
differently from other people. Plenty of people in non-monogamous relationships
experience jealousy -- and plenty of non-monogamous people handle it just fine, through
open-hearted communication. (Often, jealousy is managed through very detailed
relationship agreements such as a "relationship contract.")
But there are also plenty of people who appear to lack the "jealousy chip."
And then there are plenty of people who experience so much jealousy, who feel that
jealousy is such a big part of their emotional makeup, that the best way to manage it is
simply through monogamy.
Personally, I used to get a lot more jealous than I do now. I think I'm less likely to get
jealous these days partly because I've gotten better at finding low-drama men. Jealousy
has a reputation for being an irrational emotion, and sometimes it genuinely is an
unreasonable, cruel power-grab. But I think jealousy is often quite rational, and often
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