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arises in response to a genuine emotional threat... or deliberate manipulation.
There's another reason, though... I've also noticed that some switch in my brain has
flipped, and I've started to eroticize jealousy. I occasionally find myself fantasizing about
men I care about sleeping with other women, and sometimes the fantasy is hot because I
feel mildly jealous. I cannot explain how this happened. It surprised me the first time it
happened, believe me. What's really fascinating is that I think the same part of me that
eroticizes jealousy, is the part that used to make me feel sick at the thought of my partner
sleeping with someone else. Masochism: the gift that never stops giving!
I think it's important to note here that I didn't become less jealous because I felt like I
"should", or because I was told not to be jealous. In fact, I had an early boyfriend who
acted like I was a hysterical bitch every time I got jealous... and he made things much
worse. With him, I just felt awful when I got jealous; I couldn't get past it. I felt like he
was judging me for something I couldn't help; I felt like my mind was fragmenting as I
tried to force myself to "think better" without any outside support; and worst of all, I felt
like I couldn't rely on him to respect my feelings.
It was the men who treated my emotions like they were reasonable and understandable
who decreased my jealousy. It's much harder to be jealous when your partner is saying, "I
totally understand," than it is when your partner is saying, "What the hell is the matter
with you?" Maybe that's what makes monogamy such an effective jealousy-management
tactic: monogamy can be like a great big sign or sticker or button you can give to your
partner that says, "I respect your jealousy." Which is not to say that monogamy is always
effective for this -- we all know that monogamous people get jealous all the time! (Which
only adds to my point that monogamy might be viewed as just one of many tactics, rather
than an answer, when jealousy is a problem.)
+ Focus. There's an oft-repeated joke among polyamorists that "while love may be
infinite, time is not." And sometimes, I've found it a little difficult to "switch gears" to a
different partner. New Relationship Energy can be a little harder to manage in the
polyamorous context than it is in serial monogamy.
I've heard of polyamorous couples who specifically take periods of monogamy when one
partner really wants one. This seems like it could be problematic -- for example, if my
hypothetical primary partner wanted a period of monogamy, and I had a secondary
partner (or partners) with a serious emotional connection, then I probably would not be
cool with straight-up ignoring my secondary for weeks or months. There'd have to be
more of a conversation about it. But regardless, this whole line of thinking makes an
interesting showcase of how sometimes, people feel like they just have to focus on one
relationship.
Personally, I'm quite interested in S&M games of orgasm denial, though I've never had a
chance to mess around with it as much as I'd like. I'm also interested in long-term lust
management strategies like karezza, where the partners involved choose not to have
orgasms -- instead, they maintain a low level of mutual arousal at all times. I have no
moral problem with my partners looking at porn or having orgasms on their own, but
sometimes when I hear about the effects of choosing not to do those things, it sounds like
there's really powerful bonding potential there. Something to keep in mind for the next
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